I Am Afraid

I've lived a lot of my life being careful...

careful not to offend...
to be nice...
to act right...
to take the high road...
to keep my nose clean...

But I've done these things mostly because I've been afraid..

Afraid I would offend you
Afraid I wouldn't be accepted
Afraid I would be misunderstood
Afraid I wouldn't be liked
Afraid I would turn you away from Jesus
Afraid I'd get in trouble

But I'm kind of over it.

It has gotten me no where.

And as I've been studying God's word about it...it really isn't biblical.

Kindness is God's way....but so is honesty.
And sometimes kindness isn't niceness.

Truth is God's way....and sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow.
But it doesn't change the fact that lies and half-truths and anti-biblical opinions are poison.

Acceptance with man is a far cry from acceptance with God.
And He accepts me....a freckly faced southern girl that is insecure and unsure.
Who never knows quite the right thing to do, say or wear..  so she plays it safe. Nice.

But lately my fears are changing....

I'm afraid if I don't walk in love and truth and boldness that my daughter might not either.

I'm afraid if I don't learn to speak with that balance of truth and love that HIS voice might not be the one heard after I'm gone.

I'm afraid if church is just someplace I go because as the pastor's wife it's the right thing (yes, even me)...that I will have led a life full of Sunday's and Wednesdays that are nothing but hypocrisy.

I'm afraid if all I contribute to this world is niceness...then my influence will disappear like a vapor....like I NEVER really lived.

I'm afraid if all my son sees is a mother who allows herself to be ruled by her emotions then he will not be equipped when choosing a spouse for himself one day.

I'm afraid that God will find every work I've done on this earth just smoldering pathetic pile of ashes because I was so worried if you would like me or not.

Wow...it's been like a wake-up call. And not a fun one. But these are fears that need to overtake me...not the ones that are full of self absorbed "I's".

So ...it's time ....time to be afraid for the right reasons.

What about you? Do you struggle with people-pleasing? With thinking being nice is always the right way?  Do you allow mistruths to define you because you are too afraid of the cost of confrontation? Do you worry about your kids seeing your insecurities?

Let's make a pact..let's pray for each other...let's seriously consider the damage we are doing in our homes and in our communities.....and let's turn it around. Let's be willing to talk about the tough stuff but instead of worrying about our feelings ....worry about what God says. Let's quit being offended and be Biblical. Let's worry about teaching our kids to weigh it all by the scale of God's Word...not emotions, or political correctness or niceness.

Let's quit being afraid about the wrong things.

I'm in....what about you?

When You're Consumed

I've been worrying about it for a week. It's consumed nearly every spare minute of my life. The anticipation...the verdict...the waiting. It was overtaking my life.

Isn't that what fear does to us? It overtakes us...the unknown scares us, the waiting turns our stomachs into a gymnasium for somersaults and back flips. We worry, we lose sleep, we cry, we question, we think the worst....and then it happens.

For me it was (wait for it)....going to the dentist. It is probably my least favorite thing in all the world to do. But last week, when I chipped a tooth while eating my favorite snack I knew the time had come to face the dentist. The dreaded call was made but they couldn't get me in for a week. So...not only was I terrified...but I also had to wait 7 days before my irrational fear was to be faced.

So today....at 3:15pm I sat, waiting again in the "waiting room" of the dentist office. Of course things were running behind. My heart was beating a little faster than normal, I had checked my email, facebook, pinned things on pinterest and was just about ready to back out when they called my name. And the sweetest lady ever called my name. I took the deepest breath I could.

I explained my anxiety to the nurse...probably verifying that I was certifiably crazy...and she was sympathetic and kind and compassionate. All the while I am thinking how incredibly stupid I must sound. The dentist came in. Verified I had chipped my tooth and took an Xray. And then told me all I needed was a filling. He couldn't believe I had never had a cavity before and praised me for my good teeth...and then he asked me did I want one shot or two of the numbing agent....and I opted for two...because sometimes more is better :). And 20 minutes later...I was good to go. (on a side note I ran into a friend at walmart and she was pretty sure I was a little tipsy from the extra shot).

My fears were totally crazy. But in the midst of fear you don't really see how crazy you are. That's why we have to trust what we know. What I know now is that the dentist staff was super nice and extra sensitive to my insecurities. What I know now is that an extra shot is totally worth it. What I know now is that the waiting room can be excruciating. And even though these are all very real and very true, it's no reason to act like a fear filled woman.

In my real life (the one that even includes the dentist office) I know God is bigger than all my fears and insecurities. He's in the business of walking through ever second of life with me. He doesn't skip out because it's uncomfortable or because things aren't going the way we thought they should. He's there. Everyday. His presence is what should consume me...and nothing else. And when that happens...there's really nothing to be afraid of.

What about you....love or hate the dentist? What about your unrealistic fears...what are they? What do you do to cope or work through your anxiety?