When You Feel Inadequate

For months I've felt inadequate...and in some ways even longer than that...maybe my whole life. But more recently as an adult I've felt so ill equipped to handle some of the things that the Lord has allowed to transpire in my life. And maybe in the middle of feeling these feelings I have discovered something that is changing me.

It all came to a head for me over the holidays. Between Thanksgiving and the first of the year, Bruce was involved in helping or conducting 11 funerals. 11. When the deaths started occurring we were able to stand with the families rejoicing that their loved one knew the Lord, that they were out of pain, that they were with the Lord....because after all...that's our hope...He is our hope. But after two weeks of death, and funeral preparations and sorrow and tears and watching our church family and friends mourn loss, I was feeling smaller and smaller and less capable of comforting and helping.

And maybe sometime you've felt that way too. Maybe there's been a time when you were left speechless, with no idea what to say or do or even feel. Maybe another's grief captivated you too. Maybe you felt useless, inadequate or under qualified.

I'm learning this is a good place to be. When I'm faced with these feelings of helplessness I can only do one thing and that is to somehow point people straight to Jesus. When I don't have the right words or know what to do....He does. It's not about what I can do or what I can say to someone that will make a difference, it's about the comfort that can only come from Jesus. It's about leaning into Him for guidance and dependence and recognizing that even if you did have something clever to say or do, His way is better. His spirit prompting you to cook a meal or make a phone call or send a card is so much better than you uttering senseless feel good phrases that mean nothing.

His words are the most comforting. His touch the most healing. And in times of grief, sadness, searching, spiraling, wandering, hoping or celebrating...He has all the answers...all the words that will really make a difference. I'd do good to understand His ways better. To understand that in my inadequacies He finds great joy, because it's there that I can know Him better and make Him know. Less of me. More of Him.

Day #19 Beautiful Hope

Death. It doesn't really matter how a person dies that catches our breath...it's that they're gone. Yes, we can analyze and compare stories of cancer and brain aneurysms and organ failure and old age...and even murder...but the end result is that we are left with this feeling of empty lonely purposelessness.

Death strikes. We are never prepared enough. We can't be ready enough. When that last breath is drawn and you realize it won't be followed by another raising of the chest and an exhale, no amount of preparation, of God-knowledge, of eternal perspective is enough for that first moment without the one you love. Its heavy thickness is near strangulation strength.

And then you remember. It may take a moment or a few months of moments ...even years...but your mind finally comprehends and shifts to the beautiful hope we have in Christ. That hope that we will be with our Christian loved ones once again...that this is not the end...this world is not the final stop. The hope ...the resurrection hope...that we can cling to in the worst of times. That same hope that he promised 2000 years ago...the hope that we have in a glorious future that He's prepared for us in eternity. The hope of His soon return. The hope that believes He keeps His promise. The hope that does not leave us lonely but filled with the beautiful reality that we are not alone as we walk in the day to day...in the weight of grief. We have hope. Hope in Him. Beautiful, beautiful hope.