Lately I've been learning a few things about myself. That verse: Search me oh God and know my heart....yep, that one...has been on my mind for days..weeks really. I've tried to shove it to the back of my mind sort of, but really, in all honesty, I'm ready to deal with it. I'm tired of feeling trapped by hurts, insecurities, bitterness and overall unforgiveness. In reality it has been taking its toll. I feel it in my heart an soul and it unsettles me and makes me feel every feeling, every hurt, every gut wrenching moment again and again. Have you ever been there?
The truth: my heart has been bitter. I've managed to juggle it, but in the daily effort to walk with the Lord, He reveals by the light of His Words and the Spirit of His holiness just how far I am from really walking with Him....really knowing Him....really abiding in Him. It's an ugly but beautiful picture I see in my head. The one of me with my ugly burden of bitterness...my back crouched low under the weight of this besetting sin....the look of weariness and lost hope and pain...the muddied streak of tears staining my face...and there...right there...is this Savior...ready to save me from myself...from my sin...from the very weight that brings me to my knees. His hand reaches....not for just me...but for my burden...He removes it with ease....wipes my tears....helps me to my feet....And with great hope I take hold of His promise to bury my sin....to bear my burden....to let me lean into Him and learn of Him...His ways...His character...His Word.
And for the first time in a long time....I have peace. Real peace. The kind that Satan wants to fight...but I'm holding tight to the Peace Giver. That burden I carried wasn't mind to bear. It was sin. And in these days of such sweeter communion I am convinced that living with my embittered heart was as bad a living with a physical heart condition. Life threatening to my spiritual health.
Matthew 11:30 - My yoke is easy and my burden is light.
“There is only one way of victory over the bitterness and rage that comes naturally to us--To will what God wills brings peace.”
― Amy Wilson-Carmichael
Whatever God wills....sometimes that's a tough pill to swallow...but when I grasp a small idea of His deep love for me, I better understand that His will is all I want....forever and ever. I'm thankful He has made a way for me.